Wacky Jokes & Pics
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Childhood

Submitted by: Elaine Boosler

 


 

Nail biting

To stop her 5-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother warns her, "Susan, It’ll make you fat"

"I won’t do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.

The next day they are out walking and pass by a very fat guy, the daughter asks her mother, "If I bite my fingernails, I’ll be as fat as that, won’t I Mom?"

“You’ll be fatter than that,” replies the mother.

They get on a bus, and sitting opposite is a pregnant woman. The little girl can’t take her eyes off her belly. The pregnant lady feels uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?"

The little girl replied, "No, but I know what you've been doing…"

Submitted by: Johnny Carson

 


 

Little Johnny finds 'x'

Submitted by: Bill Maher

 


 

The poem of poop

Submitted by: Freddie Prinze

 


 

I Think It's Time...

Submitted by: Johnny Yune

 


 

Kids assigned a task

A teacher assigned each child in the class a task to complete a well known proverb. The result was as follow:

1. Don't change horses......................until they stop running.
2. If at first you don't succeed..................get new batteries.
3. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Strike while the...................................bug is close.
5. You get out of something only what you.......see in the picture on the box.
6. Never underestimate the power of.....................termites.
7. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
8. Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
9. You can lead a horse to water but......................how?
10. No news is....................................impossible.
11. You can't teach an old dog new....................math.
12. A miss is as good as a..................................Mr.
13. If you lie down with dogs, you'll............stink in the morning.
14. The pen is mightier than the..........................pigs.
15. Love all, trust........................................me.
16. Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
17. An idle mind is...........................the best way to relax.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed.
19. Love all, trust........................................me.
20. Where there's smoke there's............................pollution.
21. Love all, trust........................................me.
22. Two's company, three's.............................the Musketeers.
23. There are none so blind as.........................Stevie Wonder.
24. A penny saved is.......................................not much.
25. Better late than........................................pregnant.
26. When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.

Submitted by: Jon Pinette

 


 

To Mom and Dad

Submitted by: Steven Wright

 


 

Ugly Faces

Ms. Kelly stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces: "Listen Johnny, when I was your age, my mother used to say that if I made ugly faces, at some time it would freeze and stay like that forever."

Little Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: "Well, Ms. Kelly, you can't say you weren't forewarned."

Submitted by: Roseanne Barr

 


 

Dear Senior

Submitted by: DL Hughley

 


 

Completing Homework

Submitted by: Mitch Hedberg




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