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Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend for a bowling tournament
in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde
team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is
whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realizes
she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches
the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight
ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They
all had white knuckles.
The brunette says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got
a driver!"

submitted by: Gemi


Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never
seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in
the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've
never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it
up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

submitted by: Jack


A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up
north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours
of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although
she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to
take the boat. She rowed out a short distance,
anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came
the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her
and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to
herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,"
snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

submitted by: DMAX.


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The 
first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball 
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. 
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his 
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to 
roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 
She then explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I 
could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him 
earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few 
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position 
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took 
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put 
her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
"How does that feel?" she asked.
"It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!".

submitted by: Ajmal


Husband (A computer Professor) returning late from work: 

Husband: "Hi dear. I'm logged in" 
Wife: Have you brought the grocery? 
Husband: Bad command or file name 
wife: But I told you in the morning ? 
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel? 
Wife: What about my new TV ? 
Husband: Variable not found 
Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping 
Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied 
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you 
Husband: Data type mismatch 
Wife: You are useless 
Husband: By default 
Wife: What about your salary ? 
Husband: File in use. Try after some time 
Wife: Who was in the car this morning ? 
Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot 
Wife: Are you going to have some snacks ? 
Husband: File system full 
Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist ? 
Husband: only user with WRITE permission 
Wife: What is my value in this family ? 
Husband: Unknown virus 
Wife: Do you love me or your computer or you're being just funny ? 
Husband: Too many parameters ! 
Wife: I will go to my dad's house. 
Husband: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be 
terminated 
Wife: I'll leave you forever 
Husband: Close all programs and logout and then login as another user 
Wife: It's worthless talking to you 
Husband: Shutdown the computer 
Wife: I'm going 
Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer 

submitted by: jelly.B


A father walks by his sons bedroom and stops. He heard him say, 
 "GOD BLESS MOMMY, DADDY, AND GRANDMA. TA TA GRANDPA." 
The father did not know what the boy meant but he was glad his son
was praying. The next day he found Grandpa died.
That night he went to his sons room and heard his son praying,
"GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY. TA TA GRANDMA." 
The dad was scared but waited till morning. And sure enough Grandma
was died
That night he went to his sons room again and heard him praying,
" GOD BLESS MOMMY. TA TA DADDY." 
The Dad was really scared. He didn't sleep all night. In the morning he went
to the doctor to check him.
When he came home he saw his wife. His wife said,
 " THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, HONEY!!! WE FOUND THE MILK MAN DEAD ON 
    THE FRONT PORCH THIS MORNING!!!"

submitted by: DANIELLA G.


An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and
notices his accent. 

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the
end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and
have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds 
she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing 
her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with 
him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes 
on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner.
Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and maybe she
can shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits
next to him. 

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street,"
he replies. This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"

He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to
believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" 

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

Joke submitted by: Mitt

 


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 
"I have something I must confess." 

"There's no need to, " his wife replied. 

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend, and your mother!" 

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

Joke submitted by: Devil


 

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well"
for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, 
or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" 
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 90?

Joke submitted by: Chris

 




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